Maybe I'm just not naturally a mom. Maybe I didn't prepare myself enough for kids. I don't know, but sometimes after a tantrum (which can sometimes turn into a tantrum by both of us) I fall into the couch, wanting to cry, wondering what I've done wrong. All ideal parenting techniques have flown out the window and I've seen the worst side of myself.
IS Eli really more of a handful than other children, or has my parenting put him into a downward spiral of naughtiness? I know this must be the Lord's way of teaching me patience but I wish it was in a setting where I wouldn't feel like I'm ruining someone's life when I fall short. I just see all the moms around me interact with their children in a way that I wish I was with Eli. I've asked for their tips and tried them with no visible improvement in Eli's behavior.
Maybe those times I heard that the best thing to do as parents is to throw away all the parenting books and listen to our own intuition was wrong. Maybe I just don't have any intuition when it comes to parenting lovingly and consistently. Maybe I'm one who NEEDS those books to provide me with some insight.
Today I was reading a Love and Logic book. They gave some great examples on disciplining your children in public places (where Eli and I have the most problems). I guess I'm just not that willing to call people and have them sit and wait in case I need them to come take my child home because that is the choice they made by being naughty in the store. Time is just too precious for me to feel comfortable asking others to give it up.
As you can tell, today has been a pretty rough day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
...and We're Back!
6 months ago
6 comments:
Carrie, I read this quote from conference this morning and it hit me as I read your long-day post:
"A sweet and obedient child will enroll a father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the premortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging child a blessing and opportunity to become more godlike yourself. With which child will your patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?"
You love that sweet boy like no one else can. In years to come you will see the rewards of your efforts now, and he will love your forever for loving him! Right now you are earning your angel-wings, per say. Keep it up, Momma, you're doing great!
We so need to talk Carrie. WE are on the same page and I feel those exact feelings especially after a tantrum has hit or just when the girls act up and I respond wrong.
Thanks for sharing because it helps me feel not so alone in my own horrible days.
Just remember to be gentle with yourself when you can, and focus on the times you love Eli and the positive things that in the end outweigh the guilty bad feelings of motherhood.
I think you are an amazing mom and Eli is so lucky to have you and Aaron.
BTW, I am enrolled in parenting 505 and I laughed when that talk was given, and still remember it. That I need my girls just as much as they need me if not more. The things they teach me about my self-all those things I to do to stretch myself into the mother I need to be.
love you and give yourself a big hug!! this is tough work.
I'm so sorry Carrie! I can't say that I know how you feel because Emmy hasn't reached the stage of tantrums yet...however some days I do wonder myself if I'm that great of a mom. It's funny how as much as you absolutely love being a mom...there are days that you still wonder if it was the greatest idea :). Hahaha
I'm sure you are absolutely wonderful with Eli. Like the other two women have said above...he's your boy. You know him and love him like no one else can. You are his Mommy...and he will always need you.
Maybe Eli is going through a rough toddler hood because he's gonna be an amazing teenager and adult and just needs to get it out of his system now. But seriously...I know you are an awesome mom. You can do anything :).
Carrie I just want you to know that we love you! I wont claim to know what you are going through, but if you ever need someone to talk or rant to, we are just a phone call away.
I also want to say that I think that you are a fantastic mom. In the couple of times that I have seen you interact with Eli, you have made me want to be a better person. And I am not just saying that. You are an amazing woman and I know that you can pull through this. Just remember you never have to do it alone.
I feel for you, and I appreciate your honesty. Because when I read your comments, I feel like you're inside my head experiencing the same things practically!
Unfortunately, I still don't have the answers. But I do try to remind myself through all the exhaustion that she is a big spirit in a little body learning to express herself and discover the world, and we're essentially learning together. Somehow it gives me a little bit more patience. Probably because I understand that perspective differently having read the book "The Burning Within" by Renae Wallace. It's great reading, and not a child behavior book in case you're wondering!
Hang in there! I'm sure you're a wonderful mom!!!
I've seen you interact with Eli, and you are wonderful! I think Eli is just there to test your patience and eventually he'll grow out of it and you'll realize that you did an awesome job.
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