Running Home

Sometimes I just want to run home to my parents and somehow go back to my childhood when things were easier (at least compared to now).

I'm going home this weekend.  I'm going to say goodbye to my little brother for two years.  I know I don't get to see him often anyway, but it's still a bitter sweet moment.  I know he's doing a great work, but I will miss him being at my parent's house.  It seems like the end of an age.  My parents will officially be empty nesters.  When we go visit, it will really be just us at grandma's (unless other family is visiting).  It's really quite sad.  I wish I could go back to when I had 8 best friends that I lived with instead of 3 (and two of them are causes for much worry).

Life seems very difficult right now.  We've struggled with Eli for so long and right when we think things are going well, he has a regression.  So many people have asked if we've gotten him assessed for ADHD.  I'm having a hard time swallowing my pride on this.  I don't know if it's because deep down I don't think he has it or if I'm just telling myself that because I believe it's over diagnosed and I wouldn't believe it if he was diagnosed with it.  I really don't know.  Plus, I have a couple of friends who are therapists and they have seen Eli.  They are surprisingly NOT the ones who ask if he has ADHD.  Does this mean anything?  Not necessarily, but I'd like to think it does.  So lately I've wanted to go back to before I had kids to worry about, and whether I'm messing them up for life.

I wish I could go back before people I knew started passing away.  One of my dear friend's mom has terminal cancer.  Yes, other people I've known have died before, but this one strikes so close to my heart.  I spent many a time in her home.  She is one of the sweetest angels on earth and it's breaking my heart to know that I won't see her smiling face or feel her motherly arms when I go home to visit.

I would love to feel the stability and permanence of my childhood home again.  We moved ONCE when I was going into 3rd grade.  Other than that, everything was pretty stable.  Even though I have loved everywhere we've ever lived, I'm super burnt out from moving.  Even with school being done, we've moved three times in 5 years and I have only felt stable or permanent once, only to move yet again at the last minute (stupid rent increases).  While I absolutely LOVE where we live (weather can't be beat and produce quality and price tops all), the cost of living puts us into a house no sooner than 10-12 years from now (honestly, people in our ward who just bought a house saved for that long before being able to afford the down payment).  So, I miss that about my childhood home too.  Someday we will have a house, but I know that it won't be soon nor will it be without a lot of sacrifice as far as job pay and location (because it probably won't be any closer to family than we currently are).

Well, now that I've wallowed in my own self pity and shared it with you... I better develop a better attitude of gratitude.  So, in spite of my trials (which I know are very small to some) I'm VERY grateful that this year I've been able to detect a subtle hint of autumn in the air.  Usually it has eluded me until near Christmas time hear and that's just wrong.

I love that we live within walking distance from a store, a used book shop, the library, Eli's school, Ross, Good Will, and our Church building.  Also, that the weather is nice for most of the year.  I love soaking up the sun as I walk and talk with my children.

I am grateful for innovative people.  We are teaching Eli to read and this program is great!  I love hearing my little man read.  I don't know if he's ahead of schedule or behind and I don't care.  It's great to see his mind expand.  I never knew the pride and joy I'd feel watching my children learn and reading has been one of the top highs.